Clang Clang

Toot! The work bell ends for the day. But what was I doing the whole time, you ask? What? Why don't you ask me these things? Don't you realize that I do things each day that implicate you and anyone you come into contact with in major operations? I totally saw that coming, man. I went in today, into the Gist mill, and I walked right up to James Buchanan. I got all up in his face, and I was like, "You couldn't stop the civil war, so why should I give you my tax dollars?! I spend weeks writing Gist to keep people like you out of society!" And then I spit on his grave, the louse. 'Cause he died a hundred and fifty years ago.

People didn't live a long time back then. I remember it distinctly, since I'm over a hundred years old. I'm a memory. A remembrance. I remember the things that others forget on account of being morons or dead. You see, my friends, it wasn't always like it is now. I remember seeing this guy get torn in half by a dinosaur. Seriously. I was going to work one day, and this pterodactyl swoops out of the sky and rips this guy in half. It was the coolest thing I ever saw.

And then, a couple of years later, I was talking to Thomas Jefferson, and I was all like, "We need to concentrate power with the farmers. If we don't, they'll become influential primary voters and quench any kind of positive reform." He just stared at me and laughed. The man stuttered a lot, but that doesn't mean much to me. I mean, Porky Pig is funny, but it's a real problem for some people. Especially Thomas Jefferson. But I convinced him to start the Democratic Party. Then a few decades later, I convinced Abraham Lincoln to start the Republican Party, just to see 'em fight. I'm totally cool.