Presentational Speaking
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a common enemy. And that enemy is ignorance. See, back during the Peloponnesian War, both Athens and Sparta vied for control of the Internet (at that time known only as "Asia") so as to absorb knowledge and become omniscient. But the Internet is not a dump truck that you just put stuff on, as the Athenians so painfully learned. It's a series of tubes. And by the end of this speech, you'll all be plumbers!
The first thing you need to know about the Interweb is that it's always a good idea to disseminate fallacious information about yourself. Put your house up for sale online, and write about how a Civil War buff once told you your house is built over a confederate graveyard. The best part is that it's impossible to fact check this kind of thing, and there are a bunch of really creepy rich people who would pay a king's ransom to live over a graveyard. Seriously, this one time, I was down at the nickelodeon (not the station, but an actual 19th century nickelodeon) and this really old guy walked up to me and started asking about my precariously perched Gist Manor. Not wanting to offend the good sir, I told him the mansion was home to a host of calamities, ranging from attacks by a traveling cult of star worshipers to the origin of the stock market crash of 1929. Ha, I sold it to him on the spot for a whopping five bucks! And it wasn't even my property!
Like they say in France, no refunds. I never gave the fool his money back, and I used those five dollars to finance the first Trans-Neptunian Oktoberfest. Why would I do something like that? Imagine eating a delicious chunk of bratwurst. Now, imagine eating it on the icy slopes of Pluto! See the difference?! No? Well, you'd taste the difference, that's for sure. I'm positive that Oktoberfest will be made more festive by extraterrestrial flight; it's a gut feeling, you've gotta trust me. Trust me because deep, deep down in your gullet, you know what I'm saying is true. And that concludes this portion of the speech. I hope you learned a truckload about the Internet pipes; see you at the party!
The first thing you need to know about the Interweb is that it's always a good idea to disseminate fallacious information about yourself. Put your house up for sale online, and write about how a Civil War buff once told you your house is built over a confederate graveyard. The best part is that it's impossible to fact check this kind of thing, and there are a bunch of really creepy rich people who would pay a king's ransom to live over a graveyard. Seriously, this one time, I was down at the nickelodeon (not the station, but an actual 19th century nickelodeon) and this really old guy walked up to me and started asking about my precariously perched Gist Manor. Not wanting to offend the good sir, I told him the mansion was home to a host of calamities, ranging from attacks by a traveling cult of star worshipers to the origin of the stock market crash of 1929. Ha, I sold it to him on the spot for a whopping five bucks! And it wasn't even my property!
Like they say in France, no refunds. I never gave the fool his money back, and I used those five dollars to finance the first Trans-Neptunian Oktoberfest. Why would I do something like that? Imagine eating a delicious chunk of bratwurst. Now, imagine eating it on the icy slopes of Pluto! See the difference?! No? Well, you'd taste the difference, that's for sure. I'm positive that Oktoberfest will be made more festive by extraterrestrial flight; it's a gut feeling, you've gotta trust me. Trust me because deep, deep down in your gullet, you know what I'm saying is true. And that concludes this portion of the speech. I hope you learned a truckload about the Internet pipes; see you at the party!
--The Taker of Gist | 6:23 PM
5 broke it down:
I RSVP'd. Make sure my Steak comes with extra fat.
Oh and that Neptune beer better be genuine!
Cool! The beer will stay cold for sure.
has anyone seen my Bratworst??
I take great offense to your comments about plumbers and sausage gobbling .
Yozanoh! I keep telling you people that two wrongs not only make a right, but also a left!
Why does no one mourn the passing of daylight? One second it's day, the next, night. Think about it, people!
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