Global Warming

They say the Earth is heating up. But, unlike some people, I'm not responsible. That's right, I'm looking at you. You thought all those years you thoughtlessly tossed apple cores into recycling bins, you were saving the world? Bah! You, the consumer, are directly responsible for turning our once-proud homeworld into the cosmic glue factory it's become. You say you still don't understand? Let me break it down for you.

A thousand years ago, the Earth was covered in ocean. No land at all. Then, one day, a rocky island sprang up out of the sea. And on it was a single turtle, her back covered with mushrooms and garden gnomes. Remember now, this was back before anything, so when that turtle wagged its little turtle tail, it caused a butterfly effect. Actually, back then it was known as the "Turtle Effect," as butterflies didn't yet exist. But anyway, the turtle's callous tail wagging sent the waves smashing, the baby seals thrashing, and the Windows 95 crashing. So I guess it isn't really the same thing as the butterfly effect... except for the waves. That remains true.

See, the turtle is a metaphor. Each mushroom on its mighty back represents a model of the many industries which sprang up around the time of the first world war. Why just the first world war, and not the other three? Well, it has to do with logistics. You really can't sustain an army with a bottle of barbeque sauce; believe me, I've tried. If I never see another fork... but that's not important right now. What is important is that you heed my warning and stop recycling. Recycling has been known to both reduce and reuse, to the detriment of humankind. Our precious industries cannot continue recycling indefinitely, and if something isn't done, the Earth will continue to heat. So for the good of the people, discard your plastic! Packing peanuts be free!