I Care Too Much

Take that out of your mouth! You think I go around all day, telling people how to live, because it makes me feel powerful? You bet I do! I care so much about controlling other peoples' lives that I regularly go to the state legislatures with radical proposals to eliminate taxes and rapidly increase spending on social programs. Why would I advocate so strongly for an economic plan that makes no sense? Because I can. Because it's the right thing to do. People don't like giving money away, but they want their government to provide for them. So why not just get the government to hand out free ice cream every week while simultaneously eliminating the taxes required to pay for the ice cream? I broached Congress with this plan last week, and I think they'll pass it. Of course, they won't credit me. I'm not a member of their exclusive Congressional Caucus. Haven't been since the fire.

They still talk about that crazy night. How was I supposed to know that the word "inflammable" meant "flammable"? I don't even speak English! And now I'm just supposed to lie down and accept the fact that my radical tax plan is being sent to the state legislatures? I didn't ask for this kind of responsibility, but now that I have it I must learn to use it wisely. Not to do so would fly in the face of everything I've ever believed in, like the tooth fairy. I just know the tooth fairy is real. All science that disputes this simple fact has already been excised from government records. I can't have that little nugget of information leak, now can I? The people must never learn that magic isn't real, lest they rebel.

Because magic is at the crux of my groundbreaking financial policy. And as president, I promise to uphold those views to within a tolerance of one light-year. Maintaining one's views is a delicate procedure in today's high-powered world of sonic vibrations and skyscrapers and orbital lasers. I have seen many good-minded people rendered inert by the sheer volume of technology. It's not good for morale, and someone like me needs to take care of it. I might as well do it, as I am the Taker of Gist, and my powers are near absolute. No one can doubt my ability to tear apart a bag of chips. You've all seen my do it. I grabbed both ends and ripped it to shreds. Then I ate all the chips without offering any to you. And why should I? You don't need more calories. You all make me want to learn to play the tuba, just so I can make a more accurate elephant noise as you waddle away, back to your domiciles.