Edmonde's Mother

"Mrs. Edmonde, can Edmonde come out to play?" I asked through my ski mask. It was almost ten o'clock in the morning, and Edmonde hadn't come in to work yet, so I decided to go right to the source and tell on him to his mommy. The conversation wasn't flowing as freely as I'd originally hoped, so I had been forced to alter the parameters of my intelligence gathering. When I first arrived, I intended to learn all I could about Edmonde's past and his family history, so I could better coerce him at work to complete his projects. Instead, my every attempt to delve into the depths of Edmonde's psyche were repulsed by his ignorant matriarch.

When I first approached her, she acted like she had no idea who Edmonde was. I was all, "I'm talking about you son, Mrs. Edmonde." And she was all, "I don't have a son. And my last name isn't Edmonde." To which I replied, "Yeah, but I don't know your son's last name, so I'm just going to call you Mrs. Edmonde's mom." Then when she finally admitted that she knew who Edmonde was, she would further entice my rage with her phone calls to the president. I was amazed when I heard her talking directly to the President of Mexico. I was all, "You know Vincente Fox?" And she was all, like, "Know him? I dated him in college." And we talked for an hour about the Fox administration, and how it related to high school football. It started out as a shouting match. I was screaming about how Fox was a great man because he was the first Mexican president since 1910 that wasn't a member of the Institutional Revolutionary Party. She was demanding that I recognize the Beatles as the best football players in history. That's when I lost it. "I'm talking about American football, not soccer!" Then she started hollering about how I had no respect for the game.

So I left, never learning why Edmonde was chronically late for work. I think that tomorrow I shall write an angry letter to the government declaring my independence from them unless they apprehend Edmonde and send him to work in the salt mines. Because that's why we have organized governments. It's not like I'm paying taxes for nothing; I expect a lot more than diminishing returns on my dime and dollar. I'm paying over 300% of my annual income on imports because of high tariffs. You think I can afford it?! If Edmonde could be easily fired, I'd save so much on payroll each year. But I can't just up and fire my own boss; that's how empires get toppled. How can a king rule if the peasants rebel every time a chicken gets misplaced? You need to have proper priorities, and my faults have always been that I care too much about good grooming. I'm just not a people person.