K-Mart

Not many people would invest in K-Mart after it declared bankruptcy, but I did. Yes, I invested all my money into what I called "Big K." In fact, I went right up to the CEO of K-Mart, and was all, "Hey dude, change the name of the chain to 'Big K' as soon as you can! People will love it!" And he was all, "No. We've done enough damage to our poor shareholders. How can we justify changing the name?" That makes me mad, when industrialists try to philosophize. That's my job! It vexed me to the brink of madness, but instead of committing myself, I decided to run for CEO of K-Mart.

Promised more than I could deliver, some say. But I maintain to this day that had I been elected CEO of K-Mart, we'd be on the moon and speaking in emoticons by now. My lunar-based branding initiative could've been a cash cow of biblical proportion. Instead, it was relegated to the dustbin of history. How could such a bold, forward-thinking plan fail?! I calculated all the variables... except love.

And I tried to factor love into the plan! Really, I did. Seriously, dude. I went from house to house, knocking on doors and asking the occupants to marry me. All of them said no, leading me to refine my calculations to the point where I thought I could measure love. I petitioned Congress to fund my love-based mathematical boot camp. Two months and $46 billion later, my crack team of loyal arthropods discovered a formula to accurately measure love. And that equation is: Love = (Mass of kidneys / (average income * number of bathrooms in house)) / 0.